Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
You Might Also Like
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal