Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol