@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

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@jenlaw_11

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

@jimmytorosian

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@WheelTod

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

@Marcmywords2

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*