[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


A special task force of the fbi that tracks down people who never returned their library books


Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*


I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.

-LA Ink.


[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?


When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that