@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

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@mattewe02

[wedding]

me: is $5,000 enough?

stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe

@Douchekevin

Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for ‘Old Spice’?

@lukelachance_

My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.

@notacroc

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@sofarrsogud

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.