me: is $5,000 enough?
stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
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Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for ‘Old Spice’?
My dog beat me to a jalapeno that I dropped on the floor, and the look of instant regret on his face will forever be seared into my brain.
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Is….Is this an option?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.