I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
A special task force of the fbi that tracks down people who never returned their library books
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that’s why my tattoo is hot nurse.
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that