[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
inventing words: clothing
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.