The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

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Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.


I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.


Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.



WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks


[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*


British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same


If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.


upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case