My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.