@SkinnerSteven

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

You Might Also Like

@LinajkReturns

Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans?

Choosing dog food is hard.

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@WilliamAder

I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.

@fightforfood

Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.

@daemonic3

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

@Darlainky

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

@DrakeGatsby

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

@HatfieldAnne

If you teach your friend’s 4-year-old to say “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” be prepared for a phone call later.

@LoveNLunchmeat

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case