@SkinnerSteven

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

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@mstern68

[Interview]

Me: I really need the paycheck

Him: This is an unpaid internship.

Me: Do you provide snacks?

Him: Um, yes

Me: Keep going…

@sweatyhairy

why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal

@RobertManchild

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

@dannyboy7813

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

@mattZillaaaa

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat

@jonnysun

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

@smickable

My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.