The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet