The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
What personal space?
My dog
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”