It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
what’s really going on
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.