The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps