The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?