[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
yesterday morning after his soccer game, my 6 year old asked me how come the other team gets to change the color of their jerseys every week, while we always had to wear purple. when i explained that, in fact, we were playing against different teams each week, his mind was blown.
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?
The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.