THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My blood type is b hungry.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.