@blade_funner

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

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@murrman5

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@Michael1979

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

@corinnemlwsw

Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

@DanielGAlarcon

yesterday morning after his soccer game, my 6 year old asked me how come the other team gets to change the color of their jerseys every week, while we always had to wear purple. when i explained that, in fact, we were playing against different teams each week, his mind was blown.

@leakypod

teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said

@crylenol

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.