[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Body by Oreos
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce