THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”