The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
🐕🍷
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”