@LurkAtHomeMom

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

You Might Also Like

@withanewname

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

@metafroth

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

@Oobrey

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

@robwhisman

teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever

@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

@Playing_Dad

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man