The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses