THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay