THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight