The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.