*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.