The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

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Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.


The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I’m married to it.


Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?


Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”


I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.


*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down


Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.


Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.