The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
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Liquor Store Parking
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Thanks to a fan for this one!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
is this meant to deter me
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb