THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.


RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


Had an awkward phone convo with my little niece as she kept insisting my cat is such a good pervert. I vehemently denied this allegation and only as she presented her supporting arguments did I finally agree that he is indeed a very good PURRER.


If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead


If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.


Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that


“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny