THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.