THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Taliband
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it