The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
You Might Also Like
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.