Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”