I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men