@PonyboyGA

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

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@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@CantWaitToNap

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

@thepunningman

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

@sssub23

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

@That_Damn_Duck

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

@NotZaphod

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

@ashleyaustrew

4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”