Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.