The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
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Are you ok, human???
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.