Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@notlaneydelaney

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

@NottaBigDeal

I was listening to my wife argue with our 5 y/o. I didn’t want to tell her he was right so karate chopped the TV to create a diversion.

@ericsshadow

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

@InternetHippo

[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese

@Havenlust

Just a bear doing some pole dancing ❤️

@DanKaszeta

OK. There’s several layers of fun to be had with this screen shot.

@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@XplodingUnicorn

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

@AmericanGent69

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends