@ChaseMit

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

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@KimmyMonte

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@ham_why

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

@bridger_w

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

@mommajessiec

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

@TheDairylandDon

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

@LuvPug

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

@Playing_Dad

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

@TheWidowmakerX

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently