The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Whoa 😂
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom