The iPhone 5 will be able to print bacon

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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.


HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]


Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “


Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.


Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.


wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that


Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to


[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah


doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo


doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo


If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert