*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
You Might Also Like
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
This is sending me to another galaxy
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Truth
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations