@jwoodham

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

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@crunchenhancer

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

@daemonic3

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

@mommajessiec

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@thegrugq

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

@Bakwasowski

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

@dorkwing_duck

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@anylaurie16

Chelsea Clinton charges $65,000 for a 10 minute speech. How many times has her husband said, “Honey, I can’t afford to hear about your day.”