Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Does this dress make me look cat?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.