The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Yep.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT