@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

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@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

@portmanteauface

[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america

@JimmerThatisAll

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

@KeetPotato

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

@SortaBad

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

@TheMichaelRock

Helping my 5yo with his homework. Does anyone remember how to write the alphabet? Like with a pencil?

@LegoGodzilla

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

@thelateinnings

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend