@Tharin_P

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

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@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

@osoplain

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

@Chloestylo

When someone sneezes, I whisper, “Goes in tight..” It’s actually German for “Bless you”, but it sounds so naughty.

@Laser_Cat

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

@KandyKoehn

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

@CeCePleasants

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.