The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
How did we not see this back then?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.