HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.
*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Him: “What’s your body count?”
Me: “For what?”
Him: “People you’ve slept with…”
Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”
You don’t intimidate me, you’re not basic math
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick