The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party