@VaguelyFunnyDan

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

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@chuuew

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

@NigelGrinstead

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

@KrispyTacoBelle

Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”

@MikeDrucker

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

@BigJDubz

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick