Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Happens to everyone.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.