@VaguelyFunnyDan

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

You Might Also Like

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

@daemonic3

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: What’s your phone number?

*looks up from phone*

Me: I don’t have a phone.

*looks down at phone*

Coworker….

@bridger_w

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@KrunkedRobot

If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.

@blade_funner

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.