@VaguelyFunnyDan

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

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@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@threetimedaddy

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@huntigula

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.