One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ????
*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
These days, satisfying my sex drive is like using Uber. It’s a nervous ride with a stranger who expects to be paid after we reach the end.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
ME: what is an IV for
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.