The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
What?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store