I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
You think your life is uncomfortable?
My gynecologist lives four doors down from me.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No