@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

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@whatmaddness

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

@ThisOneSayz

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@JohnLyonTweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

@MikeDrucker

TWITTER USERS: It would be nice if you stopped people making death threats.

TWITTER: OK, but what if those death threats could be LONGER?

@JustDontBugMe

Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.

@TheOutli3R

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

@007Rex_Inc

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

@lecalabara

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.