The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
When someone says you are so lazy
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Get in loser we’re going crying
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed