[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Spell check is for lasers.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?