[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
sugar glider wrangler
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”