I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!
Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly
4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop
Me: I regret reading to you
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW