@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

You Might Also Like

@maurajbg

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

@_SetTheHook_

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@SuperJuanderer

if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

@BCMontgo

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

@JannaKillHimNik

4 *looking through album*: mama you’re so big!

Me: I’m pregnant with you in my belly

4: poor mama, you look like Augustus Gloop

Me: I regret reading to you

@pleatedjeans

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW