I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you