What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
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My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Always the camel, never the toe.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it