The Joker was right
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me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
look at me when i’m typing to you
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”