When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
stop
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
2022 be like
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’