@shash_____

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

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@sarcasm_inc

[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
-Got ID?
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal

@kelkulus

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

@LoveNLunchmeat

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@MoneypennyNaked

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

@dru0887

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

@mchooyah

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

@3sunzzz

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@SirEviscerate

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.