[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet