I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.