[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Friday
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…