The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

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Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”


Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.


I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.


I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.


Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.


*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here


Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.


“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library


A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.