Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”
The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.