@TravLeBlanc

The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

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@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@carlawh

Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.

@SummerRay

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

@dave_cactus

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

@justoneac

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

@Playing_Dad

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@BromanConsul

“It doesn’t say anywhere that you have to EAT them, you see,” I explain to the Olive Garden waitress as my breadstick kingdom adds a library

@envydatropic

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.