the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

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Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…


Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist.

Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity.

Lucy pulls off heist.

Lucy in disguise with diamonds.


Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?


BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone


If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.


Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.


*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work*
“Big mac please”
“Would u like LIES with that?!”
*my boss dragging me away*


I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth


dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that