the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
You Might Also Like
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
My five year plan is a meteorite
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
just got my engagement photos
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me: